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Citizen Weekly

Monday, 30 March 2015

CONTROLLED INFIDELITY: TALE OF WOMEN WHO ‘ALLOW’ THEIR MEN TO CHEAT ONLY IF...


CONTROLLED INFIDELITY: TALE OF WOMEN WHO ‘ALLOW’ THEIR MEN TO CHEAT ONLY IF...
When a woman is caught cheating on her man, in most cases the matter ends in separation or divorce. Flat out! Most men can’t get over the idea of another man ‘with’ their women. Or, even more specific, another man ‘in’ their woman! But, interesting, many men get caught cheating, again and again, but are still forgiven. This makes one wonder why the double standards by men? Is there a possibility that men are not just wired for monogamy, or cheating is deeply engrained in the male gene, and that some women have eventually come to terms with this sad ‘reality’? ‘State of affairs’ It is a randy male world, or so it seems? Because, for some weird reasons, there are women who know too well that their men cheat, but still keep them. Could this state of affairs be the reason why some women have given up on stopping their men from cheating, and now ‘allow’ them to practice the so-called ‘controlled infidelity’— allowing their men to sleep with other women, but with restrictions? Nothing aptly captures this sad state of affairs than a post by one distraught women that recently caused a stir among members of a secret Facebook group (only visible by members). Doesn’t mind flings The woman claimed she doesn’t mind her man having flings with several other women. And that she would only have a big problem if he developed a strong liking for one particular secret lover. She added that she fears such because it rises chances of him turning her into a second wife. The post elicited varying responses. Despite the backlash she got, there was a relatively big number of other member in the group who bought into her school of thought. The crazy reactions to the post jolted this writer into investigating the woman’s odd school of thought. True to form, when researching on this strange development, a couple of women shocked this writer when they told her they would not mind their men having a fling with other women once in a while as long as he is not doing it with one woman in particular. Reason? They fear losing him completely to her! The reasoning behind it, according to these women, is that if a man cheats regularly with one woman, chances are very high he may develop ‘feelings’ for her. Winnie Mueni*, a business lady, says she would be worried if her husband was keeping a steady girlfriend, adding that would mean it is more than just sex and fun he is having.
“I can stand him having flings with other women, as I have always suspected. But what I can’t ignore is if I happen to know he has a full-blown affair with one woman in particular. Because that increases chances of him marrying such a woman as second wife,” says Mueni*. “With a steady girlfriend, he is likely to lose interest in me, and even bound to become too close to her and even tell her my secrets and disparaging things about me. When he sticks to one secret lover he is likely to be committed to her, and even develop emotional attachment. The possibility of getting a co-wife or completely losing him are very high,” she concludes. Polygamous by nature? This leaves one wondering are men polygamous by nature? And could demonising polygamy be the reason why many a men masquerade as monogamists, but secretly keep lovers on the side? Philip Makori, a banker, in no uncertain terms, argues that men are not wired for monogamy. Hear him: “Look, at 45, a woman can hardly get babies. On the other hand, a man, even at 80, can still sire children— look at the Jomo Kenyattas, Njenga Karumes and Jacob Zumas of this world, they got children in their 70s. Why, then, would nature equip men with almost twice the number of reproductive years than women if it was intended that a man lives with one woman for his entire life. I feel polygamy would be the remedy to the wanton cheating we witness today?” He goes on to add, “Much as I would wish to preach monogamy and advice men to control their desires for conquering and spirit of adventure, it may not be practically possible. Many may not hack it because they just can’t help it. Most men are born polygamous.” Some men have been cheating left right and center, so much that their partners no longer care investigating or even confronting them anymore, and don’t even plan to leave them any time soon. Of course she knows! They only pray and hope they don’t catch a disease! It has increasingly become commonplace to see single women unashamedly flaunt other women’s boyfriends and husbands like medals. “I have caught him severally and I no longer care anymore. I gave up spying on him, cheating just seems to be in his DNA. I have better things to do other than go out looking for a heartache,” says a reluctant Elva Otieno*, a Nairobi-based marketer.